Okay, so I missed something very important out of my last post. My ex-wife came to stay with me temporarily when Jik left last summer. (I know what you're thinking, but the magic was gone. I felt nothing but pity for my ex anymore. If there were such a thing as a negative arousal state, my ex put me there. Plus, my mom was there to referee.)
Before my ex came (my son came with her, by the way), Jik and I had talked about helping her--not because she deserved our help, but because we felt it was what was best for the kids. We paid for her ticket, as well as tickets and enclosures for her pets. Again, we felt this was the right thing to do.
My ex wasted no time trying to assert herself as maven in my household. She regularly countermanded my mother--whom I'd left in charge in my absence during work hours, disregarded the way I had been providing structure for my children, and generally just acted entitled to our help. She would initiate hostile conversations where she would talk to me as though I was not there. She would allow our daughters to sleep in her bed at night (a habit I had worked hard to break them of). I became the "bad guy" in my own house!
A little back story: my ex-wife was the proverbial absentee parent. She allowed our children to do whatever they wanted, provided they remained in the house. She sat out back, drank $15 per bottle wine (on my dime), smoked cigarettes (also on my dime), and read low-rent romance novels. She was my wife, and I was supportive as I could be, but I was frustrated by her apathetic approach to parenting. She "checked out" of parenting a long time ago. Parenting made her so stressed out she was suicidal at one point, so it was easier for her to just babysit our kids. Of course, my house turned into a bit of a dump too, but that's another story.
Back to the main story. I had told my ex that she needed to find a job and her own place, and then get her head straight (she has a history of severe depression) if she wanted to be of any use to the children. My mother and I helped her to get a job; I wrote her resume, and mom cashed in a favor.
Jik came back two months later, and my ex moved out. She (my ex) got an apartment and worked two jobs. She did nothing, however, to try to deal with the issues that had plagued our marriage.
The kids would spend time with my ex periodically, but they would invariably come back with stories of how their mother had slept during her time with them, and how she had left them to their own devices (much like she did at our old home). They would also come back a bit reverted to their undisciplined selves of yore. It was as though my ex was actively trying to undermine me every time the kids went to stay with her.
Every thing I did or said that might possibly affect the kids was subject to her examination. It was somewhat ironic that she who found so little time to parent during the twilight years of our marriage, now found the time to criticize my wife (then fiancée) and me for every detail, no matter how minute, inconsequential, or irrelevant. My daughters saw fit to give their mother a tour of our home, after which, my ex greatly insulted our sons (my wife's from her first marriage). "Those boys will not be sharing a room with my daughters." she demanded, knowing only what she had gleaned from talking to my 9 year-old daughter. Of course, such a statement implies that there is something wrong with my stepsons, and Jik reacted accordingly. It was all I could do to keep my wife from bitch-slapping my ex-wife! Of course, I was not happy either, but I did not want my wife to have any issues, and I figured a criminal record would delay our immigration process!
In truth, losing my job as an air traffic controller was probably one of the best things that could happen to my children, since I could get them away from their mother for a while. It should, in theory, also be good for her, so she can use the time to get the help she so desperately needs (as of the time of this writing, she has done nothing of the sort, however; she has, in fact, used the time to do everything but seek professional help). Of course, this is no longer my fight, but she's mistaken if she thinks she'll play a big part in the kids' lives while her head is still screwed up. Children need stability, love, and structure, not randomness and apathy.
Before my ex came (my son came with her, by the way), Jik and I had talked about helping her--not because she deserved our help, but because we felt it was what was best for the kids. We paid for her ticket, as well as tickets and enclosures for her pets. Again, we felt this was the right thing to do.
My ex wasted no time trying to assert herself as maven in my household. She regularly countermanded my mother--whom I'd left in charge in my absence during work hours, disregarded the way I had been providing structure for my children, and generally just acted entitled to our help. She would initiate hostile conversations where she would talk to me as though I was not there. She would allow our daughters to sleep in her bed at night (a habit I had worked hard to break them of). I became the "bad guy" in my own house!
A little back story: my ex-wife was the proverbial absentee parent. She allowed our children to do whatever they wanted, provided they remained in the house. She sat out back, drank $15 per bottle wine (on my dime), smoked cigarettes (also on my dime), and read low-rent romance novels. She was my wife, and I was supportive as I could be, but I was frustrated by her apathetic approach to parenting. She "checked out" of parenting a long time ago. Parenting made her so stressed out she was suicidal at one point, so it was easier for her to just babysit our kids. Of course, my house turned into a bit of a dump too, but that's another story.
Back to the main story. I had told my ex that she needed to find a job and her own place, and then get her head straight (she has a history of severe depression) if she wanted to be of any use to the children. My mother and I helped her to get a job; I wrote her resume, and mom cashed in a favor.
Jik came back two months later, and my ex moved out. She (my ex) got an apartment and worked two jobs. She did nothing, however, to try to deal with the issues that had plagued our marriage.
The kids would spend time with my ex periodically, but they would invariably come back with stories of how their mother had slept during her time with them, and how she had left them to their own devices (much like she did at our old home). They would also come back a bit reverted to their undisciplined selves of yore. It was as though my ex was actively trying to undermine me every time the kids went to stay with her.
Every thing I did or said that might possibly affect the kids was subject to her examination. It was somewhat ironic that she who found so little time to parent during the twilight years of our marriage, now found the time to criticize my wife (then fiancée) and me for every detail, no matter how minute, inconsequential, or irrelevant. My daughters saw fit to give their mother a tour of our home, after which, my ex greatly insulted our sons (my wife's from her first marriage). "Those boys will not be sharing a room with my daughters." she demanded, knowing only what she had gleaned from talking to my 9 year-old daughter. Of course, such a statement implies that there is something wrong with my stepsons, and Jik reacted accordingly. It was all I could do to keep my wife from bitch-slapping my ex-wife! Of course, I was not happy either, but I did not want my wife to have any issues, and I figured a criminal record would delay our immigration process!
In truth, losing my job as an air traffic controller was probably one of the best things that could happen to my children, since I could get them away from their mother for a while. It should, in theory, also be good for her, so she can use the time to get the help she so desperately needs (as of the time of this writing, she has done nothing of the sort, however; she has, in fact, used the time to do everything but seek professional help). Of course, this is no longer my fight, but she's mistaken if she thinks she'll play a big part in the kids' lives while her head is still screwed up. Children need stability, love, and structure, not randomness and apathy.
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