I've always considered myself a good, family-oriented man. I had a wife who gave me three beautiful kids, and 15 years of marriage. The only problem, for the family perspective, was the job--which kept me away from aforementioned wife and kids; in short, I was working overseas in Afghanistan. The money was good, but the job and the lifestyle sucked. I hated being away from my loved ones--especially my three children. It was torture for me to spend every day without my family, but I was building a future for my wife and myself, and a life for my children...or so I thought.
On 4 April 2014, my the wife of almost 15 years informed me of her desire to split up, blind-siding me completely. Of course, divorce has never been a word in my playbook, so I was devastated. She had her reasons, most of which I am not at liberty to discuss, but none of them were anything I had done. Rather, I was simply not the right kind of man for her. I was, in her words, "The Perfect Husband." I didn't feel very perfect at the time; I just felt hurt and confused.
Needless to say, I ran home as quickly as I could, throwing all caution to the wind--a decision that would ultimately devastate my finances.
I was home for six weeks, and during that time, my ex tried to convince me that all I needed to do was have sex with another woman, and I would see that I no longer needed her. In fact, she tried to convince me that I didn't need a real relationship, that random sex with anonymous partners was all I needed to feel fulfilled. Since my ex was the only woman I'd ever been with sexually, her thought was that a taste of some "strange" would fulfill me. I grudgingly went along with this idea, and went so far as to say that we could have an "open" marriage. I did not want to leave my wife, at any cost--not at that point, at any rate. I opened up accounts at several "hookup" sites, and began chatting with whomever would talk to me. Nothing substantive came of this, but I did meet a 26-year old Russian (whom I remain convinced was a fraud). Nevertheless, the fake Russian opened my mind to the prospect of international dating, but back to this in a couple of paragraphs.
I have to say that the divorce process (which is still, unfortunately, ongoing) was difficult for me. The hardest part, but the part that would ultimately help me to let go, was having my ex-wife tell me that it was all fake. She never loved me the way I loved her, and that she had taken something she should never have had (me). Yes, there was another man involved. Yes, I felt betrayed. However, it was the fact that I could not even claim any good memories with her (besides the births of my children) that really forced me to let go. Everything was fake! I mean really. How do you come back from that? How do you reconcile that? Yeah, it was because of that I realized that my marriage was indeed over, if it was ever really a marriage.
As I mentioned a few paragraphs above, I created profiles on hookup sites. After about ten days, I realized that not only was this a gratuitous waste of money, it was also not me. I was not, nor would I ever be, a "nail and bail" kind of guy, but I did learn something from this process. I learned that I was not particularly interested in dating American women. Consequently, I created profiles on international dating sites. Right away, I met a real Russian woman. She and I seemed to hit it off, and we talked for nearly four months. After a while, I realized that she was not, nor would she ever be in love with me, and that I was just a means to an end with her, so I ended our communication and cut her off. I also became depressed and disappointed, and I began to delete my dating profiles. I gave up. That is, until I got an email that would change my life.
Jikky's story is a bit different than mine. She had been married for nearly ten years when her husband asked for a divorce, and legally married for only about half of that time.
Jik and her husband had had their share of ups and downs, but there were some definite problems that contributed to their demise as a married couple. He had a son from a previous marriage, and anything Jik did to help him parent that child was perceived as aggression towards said child. Additionally, both him and his parents did all they could to thwart or undermine Jik's efforts regarding setting her ex's son on the right path. This caused a great deal of tension in their marriage.
Of course, Jik says her marriage to her ex started on the wrong foot anyway. They were dating and she became pregnant. Right away, he insinuated that she should terminate the pregnancy. Jikky, being the woman of strong character and lover of life that she is, told him she would raise her child by herself, and that she did not need him to do so. They agreed to stay together, but I think this caused bad blood between them in a very early stage in their marriage, and I don't think they ever fully recovered from this.
Jik's ex also had a penchant for hanging out with his friends, and disappearing for days on end ("making connections," he would say). Although an exceedingly patient woman, this caused Jikky a great deal of anxiety. She trusted her husband to do the right thing, but she was nevertheless worried that he might possibly get hurt, or worse, in Bangkok's notoriously gritty, hard streets.
As the relationship began to deteriorate, Jik's ex would give her emotional difficulties and assert that things weren't working out because Jikky was "too cold," and that she never understood him sufficiently. Jikky would respond by telling him that if she was too much, he could divorce her. Of course, Jik's ex didn't rise to this challenge, so things continued like this for about five years, until Jik's ex finally asked her for a divorce, which she gladly granted. (She later found out that her cad husband had been having an affair with a woman 17 years his junior for nearly five years!)
Jikky had a few friendly dates, and even had a crush on a pretty nice guy, but did not find what she was looking for. She created a profile on a dating website for Thais, and fished around for a few weeks, until she ran across a profile that interested her. She saw a confident-looking man in an Indiana Jones hat wearing sunglasses, and even though she did not initially find him very attractive, he seemed interesting. So, she sent him an email:
"Hello, my name is Jikky. Write me back if you want to know more."
I received that email, and I did indeed write her back, but that's a story for another post.
On 4 April 2014, my the wife of almost 15 years informed me of her desire to split up, blind-siding me completely. Of course, divorce has never been a word in my playbook, so I was devastated. She had her reasons, most of which I am not at liberty to discuss, but none of them were anything I had done. Rather, I was simply not the right kind of man for her. I was, in her words, "The Perfect Husband." I didn't feel very perfect at the time; I just felt hurt and confused.
Needless to say, I ran home as quickly as I could, throwing all caution to the wind--a decision that would ultimately devastate my finances.
I was home for six weeks, and during that time, my ex tried to convince me that all I needed to do was have sex with another woman, and I would see that I no longer needed her. In fact, she tried to convince me that I didn't need a real relationship, that random sex with anonymous partners was all I needed to feel fulfilled. Since my ex was the only woman I'd ever been with sexually, her thought was that a taste of some "strange" would fulfill me. I grudgingly went along with this idea, and went so far as to say that we could have an "open" marriage. I did not want to leave my wife, at any cost--not at that point, at any rate. I opened up accounts at several "hookup" sites, and began chatting with whomever would talk to me. Nothing substantive came of this, but I did meet a 26-year old Russian (whom I remain convinced was a fraud). Nevertheless, the fake Russian opened my mind to the prospect of international dating, but back to this in a couple of paragraphs.
I have to say that the divorce process (which is still, unfortunately, ongoing) was difficult for me. The hardest part, but the part that would ultimately help me to let go, was having my ex-wife tell me that it was all fake. She never loved me the way I loved her, and that she had taken something she should never have had (me). Yes, there was another man involved. Yes, I felt betrayed. However, it was the fact that I could not even claim any good memories with her (besides the births of my children) that really forced me to let go. Everything was fake! I mean really. How do you come back from that? How do you reconcile that? Yeah, it was because of that I realized that my marriage was indeed over, if it was ever really a marriage.
As I mentioned a few paragraphs above, I created profiles on hookup sites. After about ten days, I realized that not only was this a gratuitous waste of money, it was also not me. I was not, nor would I ever be, a "nail and bail" kind of guy, but I did learn something from this process. I learned that I was not particularly interested in dating American women. Consequently, I created profiles on international dating sites. Right away, I met a real Russian woman. She and I seemed to hit it off, and we talked for nearly four months. After a while, I realized that she was not, nor would she ever be in love with me, and that I was just a means to an end with her, so I ended our communication and cut her off. I also became depressed and disappointed, and I began to delete my dating profiles. I gave up. That is, until I got an email that would change my life.
Jikky's story is a bit different than mine. She had been married for nearly ten years when her husband asked for a divorce, and legally married for only about half of that time.
Jik and her husband had had their share of ups and downs, but there were some definite problems that contributed to their demise as a married couple. He had a son from a previous marriage, and anything Jik did to help him parent that child was perceived as aggression towards said child. Additionally, both him and his parents did all they could to thwart or undermine Jik's efforts regarding setting her ex's son on the right path. This caused a great deal of tension in their marriage.
Of course, Jik says her marriage to her ex started on the wrong foot anyway. They were dating and she became pregnant. Right away, he insinuated that she should terminate the pregnancy. Jikky, being the woman of strong character and lover of life that she is, told him she would raise her child by herself, and that she did not need him to do so. They agreed to stay together, but I think this caused bad blood between them in a very early stage in their marriage, and I don't think they ever fully recovered from this.
Jik's ex also had a penchant for hanging out with his friends, and disappearing for days on end ("making connections," he would say). Although an exceedingly patient woman, this caused Jikky a great deal of anxiety. She trusted her husband to do the right thing, but she was nevertheless worried that he might possibly get hurt, or worse, in Bangkok's notoriously gritty, hard streets.
As the relationship began to deteriorate, Jik's ex would give her emotional difficulties and assert that things weren't working out because Jikky was "too cold," and that she never understood him sufficiently. Jikky would respond by telling him that if she was too much, he could divorce her. Of course, Jik's ex didn't rise to this challenge, so things continued like this for about five years, until Jik's ex finally asked her for a divorce, which she gladly granted. (She later found out that her cad husband had been having an affair with a woman 17 years his junior for nearly five years!)
Jikky had a few friendly dates, and even had a crush on a pretty nice guy, but did not find what she was looking for. She created a profile on a dating website for Thais, and fished around for a few weeks, until she ran across a profile that interested her. She saw a confident-looking man in an Indiana Jones hat wearing sunglasses, and even though she did not initially find him very attractive, he seemed interesting. So, she sent him an email:
"Hello, my name is Jikky. Write me back if you want to know more."
I received that email, and I did indeed write her back, but that's a story for another post.
